The truth about how I feel:
This will be a semi ramble, but I wanted to get my thoughts down (it helps/it's therapeutic):
We knew going into our marriage that we wanted to adopt. The truth is we wanted to adopt first before having our own because we were so scared that once we had our own that we would get so "into them" that we would push adoption to the side. I know so many people who say they want to adopt but I know so few who actually do.
The neat thing is that every time I have a newborn I get soooo into adopting. You would think that I would get just really into the new baby and this would be the biggest time that I wouldn't think about adoption, but it's not. Side story: I remember when SJ was a little tiny baby and I was nursing her on the Boppy looking up online adoption things, haha. Seth would come home and look at me all crazy and say, "what? you JUST had a baby, she is literally sucking on your boobie right NOW!!" :) We looked into the costs and rules and regulations and got discouraged because we knew it wasn't our time. However, we felt like God was telling us to keep having babes through our belly. So we were obedient again, and again, and again! However with Olive being a newborn this was the first time that I didn't get super into adoption. I don't think I could look past the sorrow of not bearing another baby. It's not that I forgot about adopting, I was just kinda a "nay sayer" about it.
All along, I have been so so excited about the whole process and Seth has been excited too but he honestly could take it or leave it. Which sorta discouraged me, I mean adopting a child is a BIG DEAL!! and I want it to be a fun journey that we both love and experience together (things are better when your partner is pumped and excited too!). We loved and experienced pregnancies together so I knew how that would go, but I didn't think he was ever going to get excited about adoption. This was one of my concerns for Mr. Megow getting snipped. I knew I wanted more babies and what if he never got super into the adoption with me, would I really be able to do all this on my own and enjoy it, it's a costly thing and without his support how could *I* do it. If he didn't get fixed then I could still hold onto some hope that we may get pregnant again later on (I know I know, it's not medically sound for me to get pregnant again, but my family didn't feel complete, what to do what to do?). Don't get me wrong I was still faithful in the confirmation that the Lord would provide, but my Spirit was getting tired and weak.
This past week I have not been sleeping well, with Seth's parents moving, us moving and Seth getting snipped it has been a lot to process. I am very honest when I tell you that I begged Seth to not get fixed! AND that I did not even sign the consent form, I just couldn't. Seth had to forge my signature (I hope Dr Chang is not on here, ha!).
However, our good Lord knows me so well that He knew the right words to put into Seth's mouth to speak to my heart and Spirit, thank you Jesus!! Seth called from the doctor's office before going back (down to the last minute here people), in truth I may have called him telling him he had one last chance to turn back, haha! He then said,
"Babe, I know you want more kids and medically you just cannot anytime soon, but you know what, I am really excited about adopting our kids! All those 17 kids you want are up in Heaven they are already there and you WILL meet them some day when we get there, but for now, there are already kids here in the world that NEED us, and we NEED them! We are commanded in God's Word to take care of widows and orphans! I am actually really excited about all this!"
Immediately my anxiousness, pain, and sorrow left me!
I was so so incredibly happy, hopeful, and giddy! Seth was finally on board the way I was!!!!!!!! It was so weird, like it took me to get "down" about adopting to get "up" in it :)
I have a very intense immediate kind of Spirit (hello, remember how Seth and I kissed one time, felt the Lord and got engaged 10 hours later!!!). It's how I roll, it's how God made me. He always shows up in His perfect timing.
So, I do feel peace. I feel that we have made the right decision in Seth's snippage. In a way, we feel like this is our first step towards our adoption process and our next babies. Before, I felt like after Seth's surgery that I would feel so much pain and feel like I had lost a child (I know that sounds weird, but it's how I felt).
But the great news is that I don't! I feel refreshed and on fire more than ever!! Amen! Before, I felt like that I would never experience pregnancy again and all the joys that go along with it. But now I know that I WILL! However, it will be a different kind of "pregnancy". Still a sacrifice, still a wait, still a complete giving of your heart, still a waiting on our child to come to us and join our crazy family, and very much still a relying fully on the Lord!
We still do not know where we will adopt from (domestic/international/private/foster), but that confirmation will come too, in His time, He has been faithful before and He will be faithful again!!!
Seth is in a lot of pain, bless his big 'ol sweet heart! I didn't even know I could love him more than I already did, but I DO!! I fall more and more in love with him daily (cliche, I know,,but it's true!). I trust him and will not doubt the God I know in him!
We are now finally truthfully excited about the next season in our lives.
Oh sweet Jesus, let them sing the Shackles off my feet so I can dance song tomorrow at church, I will be so cRuNk!!!!